The Computer Lab Scenario

"I don't care if he sees this. This event made me happier."

It was Wednesday afternoon. Karl and I decided to buy a scrapbook for our Filipino but I forgot that I have to finish this program about C++ in Computer so off we went.

The lights were off so we opened it.
The doors were locked so we unlocked it.
The computers were off so we opened them.

I was waiting for my PC to open when suddenly group of noisy guys entered the lab. I saw first Gerd Zimmerman then the rest so I looked at my PC again, bored of waiting. Then, there was a guy behind me. He greeted me. I was happy he knows me well even when I am facing backwards. We helped each other. We were great. We fixed the problems in our program in C++. We're finished it.

It was not good.

I didn't feel anything.
What's that suppose to mean?
He neglects me now.
He tries not to see me.
Or talk to me.
That was good.
At least, one of my problems and lies are covered.
Not in the fact that I am so sad about it.

Matter of Misunderstandings

"It was really tiring how I end up being like a slave in this house without no one even knowing. I was a slave on my own self, for my family and for my friends. They haven't realized how much I have been through and how tough things happen to me. It's just not fair."

I haven't done anything wrong! I mean, what's wrong of chatting up with a friend that is a boy? What is wrong of answering back if you are questioned? What's wrong of saying what you feel if you are asked to? What's wrong of pouting if you are really upset?! Was there anything else you want to add? Would you like to ground me forever once you know I have this blog and let people know everything that happens to my life?! It WASN'T fair! Everyday of my life, I tend to hear my friends talking about how good and how open their mothers talk about personal things. They deal with it as closest of friends, not minding what people say. But me, unluckily, I haven't got any mother that would talk about this things. They didn't even know who I am! I am so tired being judge around. I am so tired of having been neglected and having been teased as a crying baby whenever like to express myself. I am tired of shouting at my brother's face each time he messes up my life. I am tired of hiding things which other teenagers are free to do. It's just so tiring because it happens all over again! I am tired of being so worried about myself if I have this kind of sickness which unfortunately, I don't know! It's just not better! It's so hard of just getting myself into lies which I know eventually, will appear and then make my life miserable again. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to keep this things to myself. I didn't want to feel happy outside because I know there is something going on. I don't want to pretend I am such a happy girl, singing preppy songs in the middle of the street! I am so tired! I am so TIRED!

Run a Mile

"I ran a mile. I felt dizzy after but it was fun. Oh, I missed running."

Since today we had our PE class and yesterday and today was the PAASCU Accreditation Day, we had so much dilemma going on and so much "sleeping late" going on. My eyes were swollen because of continuous sleeping at 12:00 in the midnight then wake up at 4:30 in the morning to go to school. There's just so many things that have happened this past few days.

*There were tons of assignments and projects and preparations to be done!
*The Computer Lab Scenario involving Sonny Thoss. Yiee.
*The staring scenario involving Sonny Thoss. Ayiee.
*All the woodworking in TLE.
*All the Softball game makes us all happy!
*Conflicts make me so angry.

It was really scary after the incident that I will be playing at PE again! I was a lousy 1st baseman. Hey! It's so hard plus the striking rays of the sun. The green grass was beautiful but wasn't satisfying enough.

Sometime at the service (new), I can help but get upset as Level 8 will be over. It is the most wonderful thing that happened in my life. I don't want to end and I don't want summer.

"I don't want summer!"

Slight Changes

"Life is so unfair. Why be so cruel right now?" "I told you. Telling them is a bad idea!" I typed on the box. "Will go to your doctor." Marianne said. "It's in Manila." "Oh. Then will go to Mediatrix." This conversation will not gonna end itself. Life is so tragic. How can be this my fault when I am the one injured?! My mom is busy. Dad is busier so it left me no choice but to stay home and get contented that I will never be healed again. "It's not bad! After all, I am still alright after 6 years of the fainting thing". It's what I always used to say but now, I don't think it's a so-good idea. Why did it happened again? I mean I was so strong this past few days. (Ok. Not that Superman strong but I am strong) Besides that, I can run fast or try to catch my breath fast and recover fast! Today is a NO day. I am not only the one who is sick in this house. (Besides my conscience and my inner being). My brother is sick too! He was worst. I go upstairs every 5 minutes just to check on him. He is boiling hot. It makes me feel sweaty when I am near him. This is a BAD DAY! I don't know what to think! There's just so many of them! I don't know how to be depressed and that is how I should be acting. Everything that is happening is depressing! Everything is a mess! How come I feel so relaxed?! "If I'll mess up my mind, the body will. The environment will. The whole world will!"

Then I fell

"What happened yesterday is the fourth time. When's the fifth?"

Yesterday was really a sad, sad time. I went to school with Dysmenorrhea. It is a strange and super achy feeling during menstruation. I never thought this would end up in a big time, bad time!

My hips are continuously hurting during English class. That was before lunch so Jessa decide to accompany me to the clinic. We went to the Year Level Moderator's office to get a pass then ate first before going there.

Time was so fast. When I was already in the clinic, Jessa left me. They told me to lie down and sleep and put on a Hot Pack. I was relieved after an hour so I decided to go back to class since I missed TLE. After the subject is PE. The truth is, my tummy still hurts a little but I did went to PE because PE is so much fun. I haven't joined the other game of softball last Thursday so I decided to join yesterday. It wasn't hard. The ache in my tummy faded off. Then, I went for a round in the oval. I never really get that tired but my legs started to tingle. It was getting weaker so I sat down the green lawn. My heart rate was racing but I thought it was normal. It was windy but my head started to spin. Anne lend me a hand to stand up. At first, I can't. Then, I did. Owie approached Miss Merlin because I told her I wasn't feeling well.

Then it happened for the fourth time. :'(

The world started spinning. Me eyesight started to become green then black. My head was hopeless. My limbs were shaking. My breathing wasn't normal and I was grasping for air. I was about to fall when Miss Merlin approached me. She made me stay awake. They said I was pale. Really pale. Well, that was fortunate because the third time it happened, I was violet.

Miss Merlin stayed at my side. I puked then it hurted so much, It made me cry. I don't know what is happening to me since I haven't visited the doctor. Miss Merlin told Edzel, Pia and Justine to get the wheel chair from the YLM then I don't know what happened.

All I know is that something bad is happening to me.

I ended up again in the clinic. I was lying in the third bed with someone on the fourth bed. She was listening to the music in her phone, probably. It was a little loud. Music makes me feel sleepy so I went to sleep waking at four o'clock. It was dismissal so I decided to go back to the classroom. I walked just like normal. Just like nothing happened. I was a stranger to people who is staring at me because I looked so sick. I went back to the classroom, seeing my classmates packing their things to go home.

Then, Litz saw me. They were questioning me and asking me if I'm alright. I was. I feel better but they still asked me tons of questions. I really feel bad for Justine, Pia and Edzel who accompanied me to the clinic. I was heavy. I know that and I feel so sorry for them for having me lifted.

Pia said she was sorry for lifting my head up so high. Yeah, I was about to laugh at that. It was alright for me since I can't really control my head at that time.

Actually, I was still naughty at that point of time. I was telling them I can walk but in reality, I can't. I was just to weak.

"I don't know what's wrong with my body functions. If I have a sickness that suddenly would end up me? Well, It will not be successful."

Now, people were sending me IMs and comments of how I was. Well, I will have my check-up on Monday. Let's just see what will happen to me. Lord, make it good.

Without the lights

"You can't see in the dark. The essays become sentences! The formulas become simple numbers and the eyes become so blurred!"


Today was a brown-out day. It turned out that we have experienced being in a toaster oven for the whole day. (It was brown-out! What could you expect?!).

I like the day considering Math did not make my day but Biology did. (Although, the intense heat makes you feel really sleepy.) It was nice that almost half of the class weren't there because they are pulled out for the Speech Choir. They'll be joining the contest on February 20 so wish them good luck! ^^

English was average. Uhm. Still old English. The run-ons were great. It makes me remember of correcting my own mistakes. (Run-on sentences is two or more complete sentences that are capitalized and punctuated as if they were one).

The day went so far. I ended up in the balcony of the Chez Rafael. We were shouting at people we see from downstairs! We also made names for good-looking people, bad-looking people and both. (I won't mention it. It's so silly!)

The ride home was great. It was windy and sunny.

As a summary of this post, the day was boring.

"Why does the same thing happens all over again?!"

Brown Eyes

"I felt energetic only because I was thinking this would be a good day. I find out it wasn't."

The day was slow. It was ordinary but because of the rushing homework we forgot to do at home, we were really cramming about it. We are the prince and princess of cramming! It was normal for us since it is where we are used to. Biology test was a total brain wrecker. Pia has 38 unsure answers. I've got a 40 so it means we are all low in that test. We discussed reproductive System today in Biology after the first period. They were laughing. I don't know why. I know it is an odd thing to talk about it literally because Ms. Tipan were saying the words freely! No hesitations at all! That made them laugh. (Mayor's side were laughing non stop!) Again, the afternoon was hopeless. I felt so sleepy and I forced myself to listen but my eyes droop. I was really making a change but unfortunately, I can't. I pretend to listen. (Don't worry, I understand the lesson.) But somehow I understand it. Haha! Silly, old me. Math was fun. I guess it made my day. Social Studies makes me excited about explaining things and I really like it when I have tons of questions in my mind that I really don't ask and left unanswered. Explaining is my thing. I am an expert in it! Speaking of unanswered questions, I saw him in my former service. He greeted me but his looks! It's so long! If I will not cut it off he will not stop! So I went away when he arrived. I saw him looking at the window. (What's that suppose to mean?!) Just like what Mark Kevin said:

"Don't keep your hopes up. You'll never know!"

So I wasn't. Not unless he tell me about it.

Hide behind a smile

"Problems are not made to tell people and let them feel sorry for you. They are challenges. Its either you do it on your own or tell people who will help you and not make you feel pitiful at all."

Sometimes, we forget that our problems are made by God to help us. We always rely on people who we know will solve our own problems but it is not the point. People around rely so much around people whom they know are strong enough to face any problems. But aren't we overdoing this? We each have our own set of problems. Each set of problems help us to become better persons. We aren't made to curse life because this problems troubles us so much. Problems are there to make our miserable life a exciting one.

Today, I was experiencing a lot of problems but I don't think of it as a burden even though at times I like to cry it out loud from the people I like to care about me. I think it so not nice to show off how great and how I'd survive problems. It makes me feel bad to even notice how we turn up looking so fool, showing others the problems we've got.

"It's not how tough we are that we face each problem. It's how we learn :]"

Signs

"I was available he was invisible. He looked good on his photo. :) I was invisible, he signed off. :)"

The day was horrible! I woke up late only finding out that the one woke me up is the TV show "American Idol: Season 9". Well, I like that show. :) (Guess how late is it!). I was so tired. I don't want to do my assignments. I just want to rest and lay in a bed of feathers (or something they sell at Home Shopping Network). I was thinking about what I read about my horoscope:

"The day will be slow on mornings but later on the afternoons, you will have a sudden boost of energy!"

(I don't actually believe in horoscopes but what can I do? I just want to.")
Unfortunately, I did not have the energy. I was still weak and worse I was a sloth!

"How can you do your homework then, young lady?!" My mom surprised me. I was strumming my guitar.
"I'll get there later."
"You'd better be."

It was astonishing how the afternoon sky suddenly turned gray then pitch black. (I admit it! I don't want to do my homework anymore!) Now, I've realized what will happen of me if I will not start working. So, with a little hesitation I am doing my Social Studies now. (I mean OUR Social Studies now.)

So I am busy. :]

The quote before the main body is a secret. :]

Silent Conversations

"We talked. He looked. I looked down then nothing."

It was the last day of fair. The morning was very nice. I saw him walking in our corridor thinking maybe he would like to see me because of our deal. Anyway, it's Valentines Day! Today is my turn to be a scare giver on our very messy horror booth. Yeah. We started our make-up session at around 8:00 am. The booth started at 8:30. As usual, there are bastards who makes themselves "Super Yabang!" by saying "Hi!" to the ghost. Sharmaine made it funnier because children tend to get her phone number and was flirting with her! Yeah. Stupid, right? It ran so fast. I am a scare giver then a voice over. We had our break at 10:30 and when I went outside, I saw Kuya Jami! Wee! He was requesting if he could go inside:

"Nah! Go back at 10:30!. I don't have my voice anymore!"
"Oh. Is that you, Shina?! Haha! How are you?!"

(He didn't recognized me because my face was spoiled with FAKE blood.) Teehee.

It was the middle of the break then I saw him. He was searching or maybe planning to do the deal. He walked approach me because he saw me staring from afar.
He bend his spine over and talked:

"What's with your face?"

(As I say. It is the FAKE blood!)
"Oh. Fake blood. Are you gonna attend the closing ceremony?"
"Is there?"

I know he was trying to make the conversation long but I can't. I am just too tired.

"Yeah Maybe. Can you go back later? We are having a break."
"Sure. Bye!"
"Bye"

He didn't come back. :'(

And that ended the conversation.

I was so GUILTY! Why did I act like that? Oh gosh. It was a ten-year old conversation!

Inside, I was screaming! Finally! After all the months we haven't spoken in person (since the incident), we did and I was so regretful having myself talk to him like that. He was open. I was not. I am so SORRY.

The afternoons was great even though the depression is still going on. (By the way, we were wearing black shirts to signify the singles awareness day! Teehee!). We (Owie, Marianne, Audrey and Joyce) went to Robinson but before that, we cleaned up SC105 or the one we used for our booth. It was fun getting all the wires crumple down.

Sir gave us roses which is very sweet! Joyce gave me a Fererro Rocher chocolate which I think is so good! It made my day but knowing he didn't made the deal made me so upset.

The "in the groove" in Timezone didn't make up my emotions. It is still staggered. Even the window shopping with my non- biological sister, Owie didn't made me feel any happier. I was so disappointed.

Before going to Robinson, Owie have to leave Jek, her brother to the Sentrum because her parents would be fetching him. We (The others) went to BG building to see that if the Chain booth is still open and that's where he is and....

IT IS NOT :'(

"What a Valentine? You call this happy?! Well, I am not. :'("

The atmosphere in the house made me feel worse and now all I was thinking is:

"When can ever Valentines have a meaning in my life?"

Unrevealed Insecurities

"The 2nd day of tiresome frightening of students."

It was the 2nd day of fair. It was nice enough (again). The fair started at 8:00 am (for me). Our booth resumed its operation at 8:30 am. The line again was SOOO Long. It was the greatest line ever. Of course, people lose their patience, each waiting for their turn to enter the mysterious happenings inside the horror booth. I was the voice over. All that I've said was:

*Tulungan niyo ang mga sarili ninyo!
*Ang hari ng mga demonyo ay unti unting kumukuha ng mga kaluluwa!
*Lumaysa na kayo!

CO- voice overs:
*Kevin Ortaliza. :)
*Jom Burog
*Sir Noriel!! (It makes me laugh out loud because when he laughs the evil laugh, he starts coughing at the end!).

Another story:

I hate it when we get closer to the 311s. I get insecure. A little shy and most of all regretful. Marianne always go to the 311s that I have hated it! I am sick of SOME of them. I don't know why but when I feel closer, I feel they're judgemental. Sorry but that how it is.

"Then her eyes narrowed looking at my non- biological sister. She was jealous. I can't blame her. She just also LOVED the one my sister did. That's how LOVE works."

A friend that didn't last

"So sad. She responded to me like I am such a bad disturbance to her. I just want to say 'hi' :'("

The horror booth was successful today. (It was a total bang!). We've collected around 11, 000 because of this booth. The long queue of line was really making us happy. (Unluckily, I have been smashed by the door on my upper left eye so it is hurting really badly right now.) Although, several and I am telling you several lousy students try to tell the world it is not freaky so what? I heard them scream inside! You want the video it?! (Hell, yah!)

PLC and JLC students had trauma and cried recklessly after going inside our booth while SOME stupid seniors particularly LEVEL 7 were so bad enough to shout out loud bad words which made our hearts angry. They have been destroying the props and even hurting the scare givers. (Audrey was spunk by a level 7 and the others were tired and feel achy because someone stepped on them.)
I also hated the reaction of level 9 saying:
"Horror Booth ba to? Yun na yun?!"
("Yeah! Your so NO MIND!")

The fair grounds was good for me since I haven't really seen it all. I was contented maybe. The only booth I went in is the LS311's booth which is Cupid's Haven. It was nice. There's all the cupids and the hearts!

The only thing that made my day worst was JONAH.
I thought I was her friend. She wasn't.

She answered me so badly while I was only asking to go to our booth.
What wrong with her?! I considered her as a very good friend (I even considered her as my bestfriend!).
Why do that to me?!
Ever since that GUY went along with you, you've changed. You don't see Eloisa anymore. You are always with him. I hate him! I hate you! I hate you!

I HATE YOU! :"(

Feelings Change

"I should have felt happy for them but why do I don't?"

Today is the day before our Foundation Week. I stayed up late at school because I helped my fellow classmates to set up the booth. It ended late at night so the SBJH helped us. It was not hard to even notice the tension growing between our two classmates. I know they liked each other and they're just expressing it but why INFRONT of me? (Don't you know I have been adoring you since then?!)

I was so sad because I haven't expected them to be together. The guy told me that he did not really liked her but unfortunately feelings change. The least I could do is to be happy. Accept the fact that there are still other guys around. (Shadow, my ever loyal accompaniment) I don't know why I'm I feeling so jealous. Maybe I just don't want to lose a friend. Especially a really good friend. He listens whenever I talk. He pays attention when I need one. He does it all.

What happened during the setting up of the booth:

The booth was named "Butbutan ng Lagim" Haha!
Sir Brain helped us in SO MANY ways.
Disappointment with the TWO.
Disappointment of a friend with the TWO.
People were hurt:
-Physically:
*Pam and I (I had a burn in my hands because of glue gun.)
-Emotionally:
*Again the TWO.

Oh gosh. I don't mean to be mean. It's what I feel.
Argh.
Damn love.